Monday, November 21, 2005

Chapter 23 (38,009 words out of 50,000

23.

I think Ed might have been the quickest firing in this company’s twenty year history. The poor fucking guy started last week. Wet behind the ears, out of college, thinking he was getting hired because he took a couple of marketing courses, because is fucking bachelors is from the School of Management. He apparently broke down in the kitchen, too, and said all this shit to Derek who, obviously, told the rest of the office.

Apparently – Ed keeps a lot of people on his phone list. More than the average man.

Hi priest, for starters – which I found rather hysterical – who the fuck has this emergency need to call his priest? Does he routinely seek spiritual guidance at the fucking supermarket? His karate instructor. I keep picturing Ed getting into a fight and calling up his sensei, asking for advice. His mother, obviously, I knew that – didn’t realize she was this fucking hypochondriac controlling bitch who would lecture him for hours on end about how dangerous AIDS was – that’s some funny shit. All of his friends, boys and girls. His fucking landlord – the dude evicted him without second thought, didn’t even wait for Ed’s next rent check to bounce. His girlfriend’s father which is probably the funniest one, even funnier than his girlfriend herself who, obviously, broke up with him. Another of my favorites is the fact that this fucking boy scout had our new customers cell phone number in his address book – that’s one hell of a follow-up to a meeting, I’ll tell you that much. Who would have thought one picture could do so much damage?

I’ve been avoiding him all day – don’t really want an incident - I’d hate to have to administer a beat-down to this faggot after everything he’s going through right now. He cleared his desk and got escorted out of the building like a fucking criminal. I’ve seen this many times before. One time a guy I worked with was actually caught stealing company information and passing it off to a competitor. Another time this girl was smoking dope in the computer lab, somehow managed to start a fucking fire and destroy three computers. One guy even flipped out and threw some girl into the copy machine. All of these guys walked out with their heads held higher than Ed has his right now.

David, Bob, David and Eric won’t stop laughing about it. Around the other employees, obviously, they try to act all stern, as if they’re outraged by Ed’s behavior, not even realizing the employees are passing around a whole different set of pictures courtesy of my phone and giggling like idiots of them. Laura supposedly put them together to make a fucking screensaver and that’s making its way around the office. There are copies of the pictures hanging in bathroom stalls – being emailed all about – I even heard a rumor that someone was considering putting on of them on a coffee mug and giving them out as fucking Christmas presents around the office. When the employees aren’t around, however, they’re using Eric to puff up their own egos – talking about how funny it is that this young shit loses control, how bad he though he was and how he was shown up by people twice his age. I get lumped into that “twice his age” thing, of course, but I don’t complain – I’m one of the guys again.

Luis, the guard who escorted Ed out, says that Ed was asking about me. Nothing major, just asking if they knew me personally. They said no, of course, and reported the incident like they’re supposed to. I just find it funny, this spineless fuck somehow got it in his head that he can even consider coming after me. That’s it’s worth feeling out. This guy wouldn’t know what to do. What the fuck, would he punch me? Try to shoot me? What would that do, seriously? I mean, yeah, if he shoots me I could be dead but who gives a fuck about that once it happens – not me, that’s for sure. After all he went through this week he still doesn’t get it, he still doesn’t learn shit.

Look at what the fuck I did to him without throwing a single punch.

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